**May this serve as a warning to anyone who's ever thought, "Hey, Sleeping pills sound like a great idea!"**
It all began a bunch of years ago, when my doctor starting thinking I was gonna die if I didn't start going to sleep. He was all, "Your blood pressure is going up," and bad things were beginning to happen. Then there was the other sleep disorder-- the one where I open my eyes in the middle of the night, and the spiders, and monsters, and other various and sundry things are coming for me. Or closet doors appear to open and close. And I start screaming, and fall out of bed, and then run, terrifying the entire household. (This is why I don't get to have my own gun.) Then sometimes real things would happen, like one of the kids would come in during the night, and I would think it wasn't real. I'm told it's a problem with my REM sleep. I suppose it puts us all in danger.
So then pills were prescribed.
That's when I met Ambien. My Dr warned me that eventually, this fun-filled sleepy goodness in a pill would create different problems, but he felt that we had no choice.
And then life was really good. They say you should take these pills, after you get safely into bed.. And miss the hilariousness? I don't think I ever did that, even one single time. I've heard of people being found, face-down in the garden, but no pills ever force me into sleep. They are no match for me. In fact, they actually improve my mood so much, I would wait until the ambien mellow arrived, to wash the dishes and get in a quick workout. Sure, sometimes I would accidentally walk into a wall or something, but for the most part, I found it to be a productive time. And soon, everyone noticed that I would agree to absolutely anything. The family loved it. Here's one example:
"Mom, I think we should breed bearded dragons."
"Oo0o0o that sounds like a great idea! Puffy is spayed, but we could buy NEW boy and girl lizards. We could breed them and then go to REPTILE SHOWS!"
"Yay! I'm so excited!"
"Me too! We will make lots of money..."
The next day:
"Ummm.. NO WAY. We are not bringing additional lizards into this house, or into the world." I mean, I love them and all, but people already think we're weird."
Clearly, the family took advantage of my drug induced agreeableness. On the plus side, when I'd go to bed, I'd sleep like a happy baby. I never tried to drive a car, or binge eat during the night like some ambi-maniacs do, though I do remember eating some raw meat one time. And dancing in the kitchen at 2 am... alone... with no music. But those were isolated incidents, and posed no risk to anyone. Except I could have contracted salmonella or E. Coli. Thankfully, that didn't happen.
And then I began to experience what my doctor had warned me would definitely happen-- sleeping pill dependency. Only when I describe it, I refer to it as "ambien addiction" because I think that's a little funny, but sometimes that is frowned upon by others. And then people think I have a "problem."
Well one night recently, there WAS a problem. It had been an enjoyable Friday night. Steve and I had gone to dinner, and then continued our exciting date night at the grocery store. Yes, we know how to live it up. Then on the way home, we stopped by the pharmacy to get more pills filled because I was completely out.
Then the pharmacist said, "This is a new drug, and we don't even have it in stock yet."
And I said, "OH NO! Did he prescribe the new sublingual ones?"
"Yes"
"But I don't even want those. I mean, we talked about it, but that's not the ones I meant for him to give me.. Ok, look, it's the weekend; my doctor won't be in until Monday. I've been on these pills for many years. I won't sleep for even one minute, the whole weekend, without them. Can you let me have 2 or 3 of the normal ambien, until my doctor can straighten this whole thing out on Monday?"
"No."
"Why?"
"It's a controlled substance."
"Yes, and I have a prescription for that controlled substance. Look at my info. I take these every day."
"Sorry, I can't even give you one."
-All because that little piece of paper said "sublinguals" and not "orals"... And by now, most CVS pharmacies were closed for the night. So I went home and panicked. And I called every 24 hour CVS within a 50 mile radius of our house. And they all said, "We don't have that drug yet." followed by "No, you can't have the other ambien."
Then I got THIS guy:
"Good evening, CVS Pharmacy."
"Yes, do you have the new sublingual ambien?"
"Yes."
"Really?! You do? Are you sure? Because I'm getting ready to drive there. And it's far."
"Yes, I'm looking at them right now."
"Ok. I have a prescription. Is there any way to get this process started now?"
"No. But it will only take a minute when you get here."
It was 1 a.m. now. And I promise this story gets better. I think.
We arrived, and I approached the pharmacy counter.
"Can I help you?"
"Yes, I'm here for some ambien."
He took the prescription and his slender fingers began to roll across his computer keyboard. With a dead expression, and his face locked on the screen he said, "I'm sorry. We don't have these in stock."
Now I knew immediately, there were 2 possibilities:
1. He was joking. OR
2. I was going to kill him.
I stared for a moment. Then he looked up and chuckled slightly. I calmly responded, "You have no idea what I've been through tonight. I could go insane in here, ya know."
"Well, we have pills for that too," he said.
So he was a FUNNY MAN.
And then I asked why no one would let me have the oral pills and how just a quick peak at my profile would make it clear to him that I didn't have a drug problem. I had a sleep problem. And "Couldn't a whole weekend of not sleeping kill me?" But again, all he or anyone could say was, "No, blah, blah, ..controlled substance, blah blah." CVS totally didn't care if I died. I decided not to mention that my sleep disorder was gonna bring scary space aliens into my bedroom in the middle of the night if these sublinguals didn't work. And it was gonna be his fault.
Suddenly, a loud shrilly voice filled the store, "EXCUSE ME, Are you two together?" Slowly, and nervously, I turned around, and just inches from my face was a wild-eyed woman with orange hued, bright clown lipstick covering her lips, her teeth, and half of her face. Now, if I'd already consumed my ambien, I probably wouldn't even have cared about such a display. But I was already stricken with frayed nerves. Then Steve, who is kind to all humans and creatures, sweetly and calmly answered, "Yes, we're together." Then, she lost her mind, (just like I would have if the pharmacist hadn't been joking earlier). She started yelling, "I WAS JUST ASKING! YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO ACT LIKE THAT!" And on and on the old bat (obligatory bird reference--if you normally read this blog, then you get it.) went. Steve handles nutty people so gracefully. I'm not sure how or when he developed that skill, though I have some idea. He was a senior pastor in a Baptist church for 8 1/2 years.
So then the funny pharmacist called us over to another window, in order to escape the psychotic ramblings of Clown Face, and in a low, monotone voice, sarcastically began to ramble, "Welcome to our pharmacy. As you can see, we have lots of fun here. It's like this every night, from about 2-4. Crazy people are everywhere. There's no where else for them to go. It's either here, or Wawa. And Wawa makes them leave. So then they just have HERE. We have a great time." Then he said to Steve, "I really wish you would stay. We could use a guy like you around here. We really need a bouncer. I know you could handle it." ... "Are you sure you have to leave?" "Oh, and your insurance isn't gonna pay for this Ambien. It's $20 a pill."...
So I bought 2 pills. I was surprised he considered us to be the normal people, since moments earlier I'd been all, "JUST GIVE ME THE DRUGS!!!"
On the way out of the pharmacy, I popped one of those dissolvable, sleep-promising babies under my tongue, and then quickly realized it was already disintegrating, and tasted horrible, and I wasn't gonna be able to talk. So I said, "Oh no, Steve! I can't talk now. I wanted to talk to you on the way home.. and sing." which came out all garbled. "That's ok, Amy. Just sleep now." And he reached over to close my eyes by wiping my face in a downward motion. Very funny, Steve. And then he got to enjoy boring silence for the whole ride home. I hated it.
Once we were home, the new ambien failed to work, and I stayed awake for most of the weekend anyway. So all of that happened for nothing.
I know some people don't really enjoy my prescription drug humor, with the "percs" references or sleeping pill amusements, but I'd rather laugh about fun side effects, than focus on the negative ones, or cry about the reason I need them. And my personality... it doesn't come from a pill. This is allllll me.
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