SOUTHERN GIRL IN JERSEY, and a side of cherry pie: April 2012

Years ago, it was determined that when a vent cover on top of our travel trailer needs replacing, that it was my job to do it because I weigh less. They seem to last a couple of years, and then one day, one of the three will just blow off while going down the highway. So the night before our Spring break trip, as our camper sat illegally parked outside of our condo, a mere few hours before we were to leave for glorious Myrtle Beach, SC, Steve realized that one had blown off. We didn't have a replacement cover, nor did we have a camping supply store in our area, and there was rain in the overnight forecast. It was late. It was cold. We were tired. So then we were gonna duct tape some plastic over it, but we couldn't even seem to round up a measly roll of stinkin' tape. So I just went inside and covered the bunk beds beneath the hole with vinyl table cloths and said, "Let's forget it and go to bed."

And the next morning, we were off. We think we pulled out before the blonde shrew, who stomps around clutching a clipboard, monitoring everyone's activity in our condo community, was any the wiser. Of course it rained all the way to the South, because that's what happens when you have an open hole on top of your camper, with bedding protected by vinyl tablecloths that you didn't even secure. But it didn't matter, because soon, we'd be surrounded by warm sand and salty air. Six or seven hours later we stopped in my hometown, Wilson, NC, for some delicious food from Parker's Barbecue, and had a short visit with family. I ate an obscene amout of corn sticks, FRIED CHICKEN, and pulled pork, all while sucking down the best sweet tea in America. A short while later, we were at Myrtle Beach!

The next morning, I found myself on top of the camper, trying to install the wrong vent cover, which Steve had just purchased. Eternity passed, and then Steve finally believed me that it wasn't gonna work, and he hopped into the golf car, and was headed back to the RV supply place to get the right one-- something he'd have to do a couple more times! I just stayed up there and took a few pictures in between attempts to attach incorrect vent covers. It was actually a lot of fun! And people stared a me like I was some crazy person who hangs out on top of trailers, but I didn't care because it was the most beautiful day ever.

Then Steve and our daughter thought it would be a good idea to let her drive the golf car, eventhough she is unlicensed and underage. I was opposed, as was Noah. For me it was because I'm not into breaking the law. For Noah, it's more about seeing to it that his sister is never happy. So we were riding around and then an Ocean Lakes security lady jumped out at us from no where, doing a random license check. So of course we got in big trouble, fined, and almost lost our driving priviledges for the rest of the week. I tried to at least look like I didn't know the rules, but Steve, as always, was all, "Yes, we knew we weren't supposed to." Kinda like when he was pulled months ago and he responded, "Yes officer, I was speeding so I could get to breakfast before they stopped serving."

The next day, the need to leave the campground was forced upon us when my dippy dogs ran out of food. So as we were leaving the pool, Steve said he wanted to go take a quick shower before we left, and that turned out to be the best decision in the history of evers. A few minutes later, I'm sitting inside the camper, complaining about some flu-like symptoms, and then I heard, "BOOM!" We looked outside and saw our dining canopy, which had been staked into the ground, had lifted up, hit our camper, and our son was out there holding tightly onto one leg of it. So Steve immediately ran outside without realizing that the only thing between him and the rest of Ocean Lakes Family Campground was a thin pair of charcoal gray boxer briefs. I guess it wasn't a really big deal considering it was the beach, where there is often a sighting of old men in speedos and women in unfortunate swimsuit choices. Moments later, the door swings open and he says, "I NEED PANTS," and he quickly jumped into some shorts. And then shouted something like, "All hands on deck!" And I'm annoyed at this point because I'm convinced he hates me because I feel like flu and he's making me go outside to help with a stupid dining canopy. So I grumbled something and made my way over to the door and then realized I couldn't open the door! The wind was pushing it closed. So I finally got out there and that's when I found out we were experiencing a crisis. The sun was shining, there was hardly a cloud in the sky, but we were having some sort of freak wind event. Now it was lifting our awning, which is bad news because if the wind flips it over, it's destroyed. So Elizabeth was hanging onto it for dear life, and it lifted her off the ground. I'm telling you, she was flapping in the breeze like a pair of frilly bloomers hung out on the line on a sunny afternoon! Strangers ran over to help us, including a man who was just passing by on a bicycle. Then the wind actually blew me backwards a few feet! Finally Steve had the now warped, and slightly torn awning rolled up and safe from further damage. So we finished working on the dining canopy, removing broken lights from it, and got it all put away. We had broken glass everywhere, and Elizabeth and I had some cuts on our hands so we were all, "I'M BLEEDING! AAAAAGGGGHHHH!" Luckily, we had some Spongebob band aids on hand. We started taking a first aid kit on vacations, years ago, after Noah entered our lives.

My new awning lights that I'd asked for, for Christmas, were on the ground and the 60 watt bulbs inside each globe were broken. But I was happy that the fixture and globes had all survived. I didn't know at the time that the dining canopy had crashed into them, causing them to fall to the ground. We were blessed that our damage wasn't any worse, because many of our neighbors did lose their awnings and dining tents. One even flew over top of the campers. Also the kids had begged us to inflate "Pedro" the Thanksgiving turkey, because they'd missed him and thought the comedic value of a 6 foot illuminated Thanksgiving turkey on our campsite for Spring break would bring them much joy. So all I could think about that night was how glad I was that we'd not gotten around to setting him up yet because I'm sure he would have gone airborne and campers would have been shouting, "Look! It's a bird, it's a plane, ...it IS a bird!" just before it took out some children or something. There are probably few things more terrifying than seeing a giant gobbler, wearing a pilgrim hat, coming straight at your face, from the sky. And possibly we would have never seen him again, even if he'd survived.

And the new vent cover was now laying on the ground..

The next day we sat on the beach and observed children playing and swimming in a drainage pool which was surrounded by signs that read, "Do not swim. Dangerous Bacteria." But they were having a great time collecting all the zillions of dead jellyfish that had washed up that night, which Noah had claimed to spot when he was swimming in the ocean the day before, but we just assumed he was crazy. So these unruly kids were dumping them into the drainage pool so that as the afternoon passed, more children would come along, jump into that filthy water, and stand on jellyfish. I wanted to hit the nonchalant parents.

That night, Steve put the awning back out, hung the newly-bulbed lights, and we grilled out-- NY Strip, shrimp, grilled onions and peppers, and sweet potatoes. Everything was delicious. He asked what I'd prefer he do about leaving the awning out overnight and I said, "Oh Steve, please leave it out! I like to see the pretty, colorful lights while I'm sleeping. Later on, I'll check the weather forecast for overnight."

Around 3 am, we were awakened by a sudden, loud clash of lightning. I heard Steve express some unhappiness as he sprang out of bed, and out the door... in his underwear.. again... What we have now, my friends, is a HABIT. I just lay there thinking about how this could lead to us joining a weird colony of people who sell off all their clothing and live life covered only by simple undergarments. I guess it's a good thing I still have a gift card to that underwear store in the mall. I've been holding out for the next semi-annual sale. Soon the lights were snatched down, the awning rolled up, and a rain-saturated husband returned. I pretended to be asleep, hoping to avoid the subject of how I'd promised to check the weather forecast.

The next day, we plopped down in the sand near some people who were enjoying some 70s tunes. There's a song, "If You Leave Me Now" by Chicago, which for reasons that are not entirely understood by us, is REALLY annoying to Elizabeth. So now, Steve and I are known to start singing it, "Ooooooo no, baby please don't go!"♫ I guess we go a little off-key on the oooooos and become major embarrassments. I really don't even know what started it all, as this is not our typical genre. So anyway, it was playing on the beach, and this free spirited, full-figured, older woman, who was apparently concerned about developing tan lines, started dancing and singing, obviously reliving some 1970s happy moments. Also, half of the humans sprawled out along the sandy shore joined in. Sadly, Elizabeth wasn't with us, which was really a crying shame. When we filled her in on the epic beach moment she shouted, "Thank you, Jesus, I wasn't there!" I really think she overreacts. You can't beat a bright, sunny day with crashing waves, soaring seagulls, deteriorating jellyfish, colorful kites and beach umbrellas, and confident, overweight people who unexpectedly break into song and dance. I was exactly where I wanted to be.

The next day we went to my favorite zoo, "Alligator Adventures." Reptiles are hilarious to me, and I especially love the giant galapogos tortoises. Sometimes they will come to you and reach towards you and let you pet them. But they were horribly rude that day. I was all, "Hey you tortoises! Come see me." They just stood there, motionless, and looked at me. I even went back to them later, hoping they'd had a change of heart, but then one of them just walked away, and went inside. It's been my dream, for years, to own one. I would put it in the backyard and name him "Teeny Tortellini." I would build TT a house and you can even paint their shell, which I already know, would be bubblegum pink with glued on faux jewels. And he wouldn't even care that he's sparkly and has girl colors because he's a tortoise. I'd have to make him a big salad everyday, but I already do that for our pet lizard. Then Elizabeth and I touched a giant crocodile named, "Utan," that you're not supposed to touch but we found a way to do it anyway. I'm not scared of him because I've been visiting him for years, and he never does anything at all. He's pretty lazy and boring, really. Then they do a show and you get to touch alligators and snakes. So we got to pet a constrictor named, "Victoria."

One night, we planned to go to dinner with our friends, Tommy and Christy, whom we'd not seen in over a year! They were 2 campgrounds down from us. So we met at Broadway at the Beach and spent a couple of hours talking, laughing, and stuffing our faces at a restaurant, and then spent a couple more hours lingering outside. They have little kids who are amazing because they were so good and were happily entertained all night by the fun of balloon animals. My kids, at that age, would have been prostrate on the floor, consumed by delusions of horror. We were so happy to spend time together. But eventually Steve said we had to leave because he wanted some ice cream. The only way to separate Christy and me, is to physically pull us apart, and walk us in opposite directions. And that's basically what happened.

The tall one is mine.

We were sad to leave the beach, but on Saturday we were back in Wilson, eating delicious barbecue one last time, and we attended a memorial service for my Uncle Johnny. I miss him. He was one of the funniest people I ever knew.

Here are a few pics from our trip. Mostly birds, because birds are so awesome.